Just another B.A.M.F. typing away!

Searching for balance

It’s been quite awhile since my last blog, but i need some self-therapy…<< this is inspired by someone I've never met or spoke to, who frankly and honestly put her thoughts into words.

It's kinda hard to write about how u feel u have failed and then put it on a public platform, but putting it out there is the best way to de-stress.

Well 2011 is almost over and 2012 will be here and quite frankly I still can't believe how fast this year went. It's been a very tough year for me, mentally & physically.

2010: I was flying high on life. I had regained myself physically by shedding around 40lbs and was making strides to better myself by moving, going back to school & becoming more independent.

The end of 2011: I’ve been slipping and sliding HARD. I fell swan-dived off the wagon and feel trapped in my fat self again. And no I’m not talking about the oh i gained 5 lbs woes. You would think by this time around I would’ve realized mid sabotage. I think the hardest part is knowing what to do but getting in your own way over and over again. There’s no part of me right now that’s the former super fit, ripped athlete. Since I made my last “transformation” I have gained a lot of fitness friends and quite frankly sometimes I wish I wasn’t surrounded by such fit people. I feel like an imposter & uncomfortable again. :-/

•It will take a lot of discipline and hard work to regain ME! (motivation)

Round 3: I’ll have to figure it out solo since I will no longer be using a coach. Part of this honestly terrifies me because before I had a very specific plan with meals, workouts and a fitness professional to bug whenever I needed. But plenty of other people have done it solo and I can too. It would be really easy for me to pick up another “coach” but I haven’t come across anyone yet i don’t think will put me through dietary and cardio hell. And honestly it would be a waste of my time and their time too b/c I already know I’m not doing 10-20 hours of cardio a week and eating fish and broccoli at every meal and not lifting heavy to help “slim me down”. I do have one person that I would like to use when I’m ready. For now I’m just doing what I’ve done in the past and depending on the next few upcoming weeks I guess I’ll see. Looking to enjoy training and fueling again. Ideally I would love to compete again but if it happens in 2012 I’m not totally sure. I need to regain a positive image before I can worry about competing.

School: Well when all your friends are just mere months away from graduation or moving on to their awesome jobs and your tunnel seems an eternity long it kinda sucks A LOT! I have about another 4 semesters left until graduation & then I will be throwing myself into the “real world” with a whole new set of worries to greet me 🙂 Although 4 semesters might not seem like a lot I feel like it is.

•May 2013, Dual-Masters Graduate: M.S. Sport Management & MBA!!! (motivation)

Personal: Aside from my non-existent dating life and extremely limited social life I’ve gotten to hang out with myself a lot. 🙂

•I feel once I’m in a better place the other 2 will fall into place. (motivation)

Job: Well technically I go to an office 5 days a week but I don’t really get a check. Haha. I work at my school and they pay my tuition so I guess you can look at it is a check in that way. Some days are better than others and some days I’m looking for the quickest way out! I’m really needing my time here to pay off for me career wise, so I can feel my partial misery was at least worth it. No joke I got an e-mail one day and had a complete breakdown. Like tears and total frustration and extreme home sickness <Who Am I?!?
I NEVER get emotional or homesick so this was a tough day to say the least.
But the whole moolah situation is pretty non existent which is not good.

•Hoping to apply for a job this summer to relieve some of this stress (motivation)

I cannot go through 2012 the same!

Making some mini goals for 2012:
•Healthy, fit, positive Me
•Finish the school year strong!
•A job to help with bills

*deep breathe*
Time to Grind Hard and Live Fit!

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9 responses

  1. There are a million and one ways to lose weight/be fit without doing hours of cardio and eating only fish and broccoli! Believe me, I know exactly the sentiments you are feeling here…ugh… Part of me also believes that it’s important we learn “how” to eat for a lean body on our own without a coach because then it will be in a way we can sustain, if that makes sense? I think coaches are great and certainly helpful when it comes to accountability, but it’s nice to know that you can do it on your own. (And you have done it before so I have full faith you can do it again!)

    If ever you need someone to vent dietary stress to, don’t ever hesitate to shoot me an email! Good luck girl.

    December 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

  2. Dawn

    I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. You will make it through this challenge ok..you already know that you have the strength to do it. I just left my trainer also…it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet and really see some changes. I’m here if you need to chat.

    December 20, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    • Thanks Dawn!
      I hope your new journey brings the change you’re looking for!!

      December 20, 2011 at 10:52 pm

  3. Hey Kendra!!

    I can relate to *a lot* of this. I feel way behind my friends too — they all graduated this year or the year before and I still have ~2 years left plus I have to transfer so I’m sure I’ll lose some credits. And it sucks. It’s like I’m totally out of step. =(

    And I definitely gained more fat this year than I wanted/should have/whatever so I get ya there too.

    Anyway. You are DEFINITELY not alone in this at all though and you’ll get through this challenging period JUST fine =) You’re a friggin champ to begin with!

    December 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm

  4. Hey gorgeous!!!

    You are here now and you know where you want to go. That is seriously amazing. You can and will do this, I am sure. It is so brave of you to tell the world about it and publicly commit to getting your fitness and momentum back. 2012 is going to be an awesome and empowered year for you. You don’t have to do cardio hell and eat fish and broccoli only. There are amazing coaches out there that are all about empowering you to be healthy, learn how to train smart, eat right, and be ‘normal’. I know because I have one. You can also learn and do this on your own too….you have it within you, of this I have no doubt! You don’t have to kill yourself to look a certain way, in fact you shouldn’t so congratulations on taking that stand….so many never do.

    How can we help?

    Let’s go take over 2012 like the superwomen that we are!

    Team Kendra!!!!!

    December 24, 2011 at 2:44 pm

  5. Tosha

    I don’t know you (we have friends in common though), I saw your pic on their FB page once & was inspired by you. I admired the transformation that you made and became inspired by you. I’m a fitness professional that used to work in the big box gym. I was stressed out, not sleeping much or working out and gained like 20lbs!! I left and got my life back under control and lost the weight. It was hard to put myself first over my clients and everyone else. All of this to say, I don’t think that you need a coach. You had progress pictures and you’ve done this before. You KNOW what to eat and what to do. You’ve just got to get back in the game like you said. Put your health as a top priority and give yourself balance. You don’t have to workout and eat like a competitor all of the time. My $0.02 is to have another goal other than competing. I have friends who are figure & bikini and it seems like unless they are in competition mode, they kinda just do what they want. I don’t compete so I don’t know how it drives you, but put the goal as health or a race and see how that works.
    I’m rooting for you!

    January 9, 2012 at 1:00 am

    • Thanks so much, I appreciate your comments!
      I’m back in the game and rockin’ it!

      January 19, 2012 at 11:57 am

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