Searching for balance
It’s been quite awhile since my last blog, but i need some self-therapy…<< this is inspired by someone I've never met or spoke to, who frankly and honestly put her thoughts into words.
It's kinda hard to write about how u feel u have failed and then put it on a public platform, but putting it out there is the best way to de-stress.
Well 2011 is almost over and 2012 will be here and quite frankly I still can't believe how fast this year went. It's been a very tough year for me, mentally & physically.
2010: I was flying high on life. I had regained myself physically by shedding around 40lbs and was making strides to better myself by moving, going back to school & becoming more independent.
The end of 2011: I’ve been slipping and sliding HARD. I
fell swan-dived off the wagon and feel trapped in my fat self again. And no I’m not talking about the oh i gained 5 lbs woes. You would think by this time around I would’ve realized mid sabotage. I think the hardest part is knowing what to do but getting in your own way over and over again. There’s no part of me right now that’s the former super fit, ripped athlete. Since I made my last “transformation” I have gained a lot of fitness friends and quite frankly sometimes I wish I wasn’t surrounded by such fit people. I feel like an imposter & uncomfortable again.
•It will take a lot of discipline and hard work to regain ME! (motivation)
Round 3: I’ll have to figure it out solo since I will no longer be using a coach. Part of this honestly terrifies me because before I had a very specific plan with meals, workouts and a fitness professional to bug whenever I needed. But plenty of other people have done it solo and I can too. It would be really easy for me to pick up another “coach” but I haven’t come across anyone yet i don’t think will put me through dietary and cardio hell. And honestly it would be a waste of my time and their time too b/c I already know I’m not doing 10-20 hours of cardio a week and eating fish and broccoli at every meal and not lifting heavy to help “slim me down”. I do have one person that I would like to use when I’m ready. For now I’m just doing what I’ve done in the past and depending on the next few upcoming weeks I guess I’ll see. Looking to enjoy training and fueling again. Ideally I would love to compete again but if it happens in 2012 I’m not totally sure. I need to regain a positive image before I can worry about competing.
School: Well when all your friends are just mere months away from graduation or moving on to their awesome jobs and your tunnel seems an eternity long it
kinda sucks A LOT! I have about another 4 semesters left until graduation & then I will be throwing myself into the “real world” with a whole new set of worries to greet me 🙂 Although 4 semesters might not seem like a lot I feel like it is.
•May 2013, Dual-Masters Graduate: M.S. Sport Management & MBA!!! (motivation)
Personal: Aside from my non-existent dating life and extremely limited social life I’ve gotten to hang out with myself a lot. 🙂
•I feel once I’m in a better place the other 2 will fall into place. (motivation)
Job: Well technically I go to an office 5 days a week but I don’t really get a check. Haha. I work at my school and they pay my tuition so I guess you can look at it is a check in that way. Some days are better than others and some days I’m looking for the quickest way out! I’m really needing my time here to pay off for me career wise, so I can feel my partial misery was at least worth it. No joke I got an e-mail one day and had a complete breakdown. Like tears and total frustration and extreme home sickness <Who Am I?!?
I NEVER get emotional or homesick so this was a tough day to say the least.
But the whole moolah situation is pretty non existent which is not good.
•Hoping to apply for a job this summer to relieve some of this stress (motivation)
I cannot go through 2012 the same!
Making some mini goals for 2012:
•Healthy, fit, positive Me
•Finish the school year strong!
•A job to help with bills
Time to Grind Hard and Live Fit!